watching you walk away, it's like satisfaction laced with some kind of disapointment. like two for one "apple-tizers" (as tony would call them) and finding the artichoke dip is not what you were anticipating.

My neighbors decided to set off fireworks at midnight and it's making Bear, my doggie, nervous. He has become so cuddly and just quietly lying next to me looking for some comfort. I'm grateful he's here, I could use some comfort back. We look at each other- and we both have the same kind of sadness and frustration in our eyes with what's happening outside the door. Its kinda freaky how we both sigh at the same time, but then I smile and feel like I finally have a friend who understands me at my side.

i'm hugging the window, for it's the closest i'll let myself get to hugging the storm. i'm in love. chaos streaking through the sky roaring out with change. feel the passion in thunder's roar. trees dance wildly in the strobe lightning... i'm jealous of them (i wish i was so free). yet here i am, sitting on the sidelines, tapping my foot against my heart that beats faster the closer this love strikes to me.

im in love.

MICHELLE BRANCH LYRICS
"Are You Happy Now?"

Now, don’t just walk away
Pretending everything’s ok
And you don’t care about me
And I know there’s just no use
When all your lies become your truths and I don’t care...

Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you’re happy now,
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now?

You took all there was to take,
And left with an empty plate
And you don’t care about it, yeah.
And I, I’ve given up this game
I’m leaving you with all the blame cause I don’t care,

Could you look me in the eye?
And tell me that you’re happy now,
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now?
Are you happy now?

Do you have everything you want?
You can get up and give everything you`ve got
You can’t run away from yourself

Would you look me in the eye?
Could you look me in the eye?
I’ve had that all I can take
And I’m about to break
Cause I’m happy now,
Are you happy now?

can lead a horse to water... i'm left confused and axious for the next encounter... the same kind of addiction i have towards my soap opera, (just when you think you know someone they're really someone else's daughter whos son is now married to his, now realized, cousin) but you can't not watch! you keep coming back to the same time, same place, until you realize that there is nothing left to get out of it.
people amaze me- like the weather amazes me. emotion moves the skies' many moods through their seasons of life, all unpredictable by others. but what fun would it be to know what was coming? well all i know is everything tastes better with a little bit of the unexpected.

ran my fingers through my hair, decided i needed a shower. i climbed out of my clothes, avoided the mirror, took a step back to look anyway. stepped over the scale, took a step up to see anyway. slowly worked my way into the water spouting down from above, i was taken with content. i closed my eyes and got lost in the rhythm of each droplett hitting my body. it's like Dreamland here... like getting lost in a place of my own thought, joy, and desire. i am simply... me.

never know where things will go, hard to predict inconstant emotion.. no expectations, right? well of all things, this surely wasn't what i expected. it amazes me how easy it was to fire back... to be angered by the written word i used to melt over ...rearranging those letters makes a difference (no shit, right?) and although theres no voice, the tone is different, too.
but are we surprised? of course not.

"If you hear a voice within you saying ' You are not a painter,' then by all means paint & and that voice will be silenced."
-- Vincent Van Gogh

not all who wander are lost

the ticking of the second hand on the clock is just enough off from the light timer that it caputres the ear in a twisted, monotone, symphony. it's dark oustide, as it should be since it's late. the table is cluttered with unfinished business making it the perfect height for tired feet... tired kitties, too. her large grey tabby lays quietly upon the clutter, waving its tail in a tried, elegant and very silent dance. smells like nothing in here. the kind of nothing smell each person has. my hands smell of your nothing, probably because i held your hand today. i tried explaining you to her. but she didn't listen, she's tired as usual. she props her feet up on the table, i ask if i can get her anything... she just inhails, exhails with "wash up for dinner"... i do as i am told. i watch her as she tips her head back and rests her eyes, just for a second. i admire her elegance. i see now that she's going through her own life in her own silent dance... reminds me of the cat's tail. tired and elegant. i'll let her rest now, and try again later, i'll leave myself to get lost in the symphony.

i love to watch my doggie sleeping, especially when he is dreaming and his paws twitch. i wonder what he's dreaming about, running after a ball i'm sure. he's probably happy there, in his dreams, theres always someone to throw the ball and he never gets tired. it's not like here, in this world. i love sleeping. i wonder if i twitch when i sleep. i love dreaming about long trips, new places, new people. i like that there's no one to tell "legendary" rumors about me. sick. sick. let it go. someone's insecurity has become my frusteration. i will let it go. and watch my doggie, sleeping, dreaming. i'll go and dream about throwing the ball for him. just me and him.

i allow others to be themselves
i cannot force others to change, i can offer them a positive mental atmostphere where they have the possibility to change if they wish. but i cannot do it FOR or TO other people. each person is here to work out his or her own problems, and i fix it for them, then they will just go and do it again, because they have not worked out what they needed to do for themselves. all i can do is love them, allow them to be who they are, and know that the truth is always within them and that they can change at any moment they want.

l.l.hay

theres a lotta frusteration in my fellow poets... i get afraid to say things to them, especially the one, mainly because i'm intimidated by their beautiful work and awesome energy... i try to spit something out to let 'em know i care, and am thinking about them and i just sound absolutely rediculous... resulting in the deletion of the the message instead.
maybe they can see through these limited words and see what i'm really trying to say. for words, so is said, are but a temporary place of emotional thought... allowing different perspectives. which is important, especially when i tend to be often misunderstood when it comes to other forms of expression...
so with my limited words... i'm thinking of you.. wish you well. i'm sorry your struggling and wish there was something i could do for you. if i only knew...

i'm a scattered mess, cant focus on any-one thing. overwealmed by being handed the clay of the world and told to leave my thumb print on it.... how about i try and smooth out some of these rough spots insted.
i walked across the platfortm, took my piece of paper that is good for one pair of wings... smiled at my family, friends, went onto party with my ex-classmates, take pictures with old crushes and soon passing friends. was inspired by the sketch artist working there, and was about as bad at bowling as adam was, so i didn't feel so bad.
anyhow.
i think it all really hit me on the bus on the way home at about four this morning > i've graduated.
sitting tall in my seat, the only one awake really, i truly felt .. older.
im ready. i'm ready. i'm ready.

so i felt in my dream.

i wish for your soft breath carrying thoughtful words into my ear, not the screatching tones of the same old drill screwing in responsibility. i lay here waiting for your tender touch to smooth out my skin and lighten the pressure that is holding me down. i need the heat of your body to keep my freezing soul from shattering into crushed ice for society's lemonaide.

so i awoke.

and felt overwealmed. cried. and still without you by my side.

the end of high school. the end of routein, busy work and shallow aquaintences. goodbye to things that could have been (admitted interests whose emotions were never acted upon) you know, i don't think it's hit me yet- being done with high school... for 12 years school has ended, and three short months later starts right up again. i suppose this time wont be any different.. except that i wont be going back to 'the usual'.
man, done forever. the whole idea has left me in a daze. afraid of looking ahead into the bright lights of college... but certainly don't want to turn around and run back to where i've been. well- three cheers for the last school night of high school.(hip hip) (hip hip) (hip hip) ???
well here's to dreaming, anyway. g'night schooling past. good morning future.

i thought i had found the diet for me- i called it they "hey fat, let's become friends" diet... you know, a self appreciation type thing. i was doing fairly well- i had support from my mom- i felt strong and beautiful- gorgeous... she was on the same deit too at the time.
well, she's now decided that the numbers on the scale need to climb-on-down... and that's all about her. i'm here to help her in whatever she needs to do to be happy... but her quest for a thinner body left me feeling about as sexy as an old hot dog that's been rolling around and around in Super America's roticery for a couple days. (now, doesn't that paint a pretty picture?) in other words i feel as though i should be actively trying to become america's "ideal woman"... i know, 'should' implies guilt and guilt implies wasted energy...
i suppose i feel guilt towrds myself- wasting so much of my energy on being dis-satisfied with my body, when i am beautiful.

i said goodbye to my best friend this morning... seems that sometime back she went to the store and bought some brick... and then started building a wall. i realize now that i was watching her build it all along, but didn't understand what it was for. so in my ignorace, or maybe denial, i would ask her if she needed anything from me... help or something, but she never said anything.
the wall grew and i began to lose sight of the green grass we used to run on in her yard. confusion. then the door to her house was blocked from my view. disbelief. and eventually the windows too. sadness. now this morning i woke to darkness. she has built her wall so tall i can't see the sun. i tried to walk around and find an opening... but seemed as though she built that wall all around herself. i called out to her but i got no response... same as before.

i found pin hole in her wall where a tiny bit of sunshine shone through. i wrote her a note and stuck it in- hoping she'd find it. i told her how i loved her and how i accepted what had happened, (even though i didn't understand...) i will cover her wall with pictures of good times we had and everytime i look at it i will be filled with joy for she always had a way of improving my life.
but the wall has been built. and that's that.

well,
good bye, Katie
hello, Wall

this friday is coming to an end. i return home to my ranshackled abode, and man, this place makes me angry- it's messy, like my mind ... my mom says i'm feeling this way because i started eating carbs again (that means my cumfort food is working backwards, how disapointing...) and maybe if i wouldn't have spent a majority of my night scrubbing the floors of my take-and-bake place of employment, i would be a little more motivated to clean my own space. as for now, i think i'll go curl up on the coutch and watch fantasy worlds played out for me on screen... imagining myself and the others in my dreams in place of the actors... then i will get lost in this years mandala and wonder if this pizza smell will ever go away
all the while drinking my Diet Rite soda (no carbs)... yummy.

orchids are passionate, abstract, art.
dasies are fun, bright, spontanious.
roses are secure, cumfortable, safe.

hard to fit them all into one arrangement.
but i'm tryin.

joy builds within me i burst at the seams- rain. heavy rain. pouring outside my window onto the deck- and into my heart. trees swinging in the wind that carries the clouds above my head... my kitty sits in my window mesmerized by the smell- i too am taken... i'm instantly alive and move outside to dance. thunder my beat, lightning partner, joy my rhythm, life my inspiration.

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength.
--Corrie Ten Boom

Who am I?
you can find the answer
in the limb of any naked tree swaying in the wind,
in puddles collecting raindrops on a rainy afternoon
or in the eyes of children on theraputic horses.
the answer lies in the power of my words or the composition of my photos
the answer lies in the rhythm of my walk, the curves of my body

who am I?
I am art.
I am everything I chose to be.
I chose beautiful, strong, confident...

I chose to be me.

someone said something to me the other day- and i haven't forgotten about it since.

i'm a "special-ness junkie" ...

i don't know where to go with this...

twisting bending through this triangle of attraction.
passion
fun
or
security?